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Paint like Sargent without all the bother of hard work

John Singer Sargent pulling on a fat corona

Apple’s latest offering, the iSlug, is great news for those of us who welcome Big tech and Pharma into our lives. The iSlug is a subdermal device which is painlessly inserted beneath the skin, whereupon its neural interface connects with every aspect of our material existence. Apart from the obvious benefits of giving large corporations direct access to our neuro-physiology, there are some exciting add-ons available too.

As an artist I was pleased to see the inclusion of a Singer Sargent Plug-in which, once installed, will guide the eye and the hand across a painting. Where proportion is poorly described, neural nudgebots will place the hand where it should be, where form is inadequately resolved a reassuringly stern tingling in the fingers will spur us on. When squeezing out paint an involuntary reflex will empty half a tube of vermillion onto your palette – for Sargent was notably lavish with his pigments. (This one is sponsored by Winsor and Newton)

Where value has been misjudged, a friendly stabbing pain behind the eyes encourages us to look again and muddy colours are rewarded with hair loss and momentary blindness. Economical mark making and elegant edge management will be remunerated with a release of endorphins and a warm sense of smugness.

On a matter of taste, any voluptuous engagement with the flesh will trigger a dizzying nausea, as blood is drained from areas of needless tumescence. Whilst this last one is not really a Sargent thing, it is attuned to the community guidelines of companies like Meta, you know, the ones that shadow ban you on Instagram for putting up a painting with a bit of side boob. So that’s ok.

I am hopeful that my painting will begin to include luscious sweeps of glistening oil paint and bravura brushwork without the tiresome effort of actually having to learn how to do it. Whilst the iSlug and plugins are presently not mandatory, the behavioural insights team are recommending them for all artists so who knows, before long we may all be painting like angels and in glorious lock-step.

There are one or two side effects to be aware of, some users may develop a luxuriant moustache and an inability to resist a fat Havana, but it’s all quite manageable.

As we celebrate our trans-humanist future we can be doubly grateful that with the help of ethical big tech we will not only be better, more sustainable citizens but better artists too. Hurrah!

nb. For those of us who would prefer not to paint like Sargent. Sorry.

Have a fab Jubilee

It’s half-term and the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee too

Tutored courses do not run this week and open studios will be closed from Wednesday afternoon until Monday the 6th June. For those of you unfamiliar with the Queen, she is the longest serving monarch since forever and this weekend is going to be a big one to celebrate her 70 years of service. There are lots of things to do – you can see some here


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